Please Hear What I'm Trying to Say
by SnarkItOut
Summary: Dave Karofsky's thoughts about Kurt Hummel. Warning: Spoilers for 2.06!


Title: Please Hear What I'm Trying to Say  
Author: SnarkyGirl101  
Rating: PG  
Warning: Spoilers for 2.06!  
Word count: 1663  
Summary: Based on the prompt of "I want to have an inside look into Dave's head. What has lead up to all this? When did bullying turn into something more?" (Yes, my own prompt.)

A/N: May be a little choppy in P.O.V. Please tell me if there are any discrepancies. Apparently Karofsky is a hockey player, so disregard that one detail.

Wearing that red and white jacket down the hallways made him feel powerful. Being a football player on a losing team didn't brand you a Lima Loser, but it was higher than being in AV club and all those other geeky clubs. It was a sense of security, a guarantee that no one would mess with you. And the fact that putting others down to make yourself better isn't bad either. He's not as dumb as he comes off. Book learning and all that stuff that won't do any good in a few years just isn't his thing. But when it comes to emotions, he knows he's bullying to make himself feel better. He doesn't care what guidance counselors would say to that, they're all messed up too, just look at that freak germophobe that keeps googly-eying that married Spanish teacher.

So making fun of others helped him, be it putting that wheelchair kid in the portapotty or slushying that annoying Berry. Things were going well, he'd been at this for a year of high school, and the new year had just begun. Nothing new, just fresh meat. Some of kids had graduated last year, and freshman coming in would take their place. The recruits would be evaluated at orientation. It wouldn't be hard to pick out the weak, the freaks, the down-right weird.

Karofsky scans the hallways, and hears the slam of a body into a locker. Watching Puckerman push a freshman into the walls made his look over the potential bully material. Soft, feminine face, obviously well-picked out clothes and high voice made him an instant top five "To throw in the dumpsters" list. He'd throw him in tomorrow, when he least expected it.

And that was the routine. Hudson would hold his jacket or whatever clothing was "too important for that landfill" as the prissy boy would say, and they would throw him in. Not much more to knowing him personally, he was just a fashion snob.

"Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I will be auditioning for the role of kicker."

But he wasn't expecting him to actually try out for football.'Cause come on, really? He's probably one of the tiniest freshman, and he obviously has no muscle tone to speak of. But he kicked the ball straight through, and it slightly impressed him. Kurt had preceded to jut out a hip, letting the shirt ride off of his shoulder, and Dave had never noticed how pale and creamy his skin looked- 'Wait, what? No, that didn't just go through my head. Of course not.'

Hummel being on the team meant not throwing him in dumpsters for awhile, but soon enough he left again, saying "It doesn't challenge me." Dave was just happy to see him off the team, not having to worry about sneaking looks over at Kurt. To others, it looked like he was just making sure the gay kid wasn't molesting him with his eyes, but it felt the opposite. The fluffy white bathrobe did not help matters, so in the end he was glad to see him off, winning team or not.

But then, to make his wandering eyes worse, Hummel joins the Cheerios. The Cheerios with the uniforms, the sleek taunt and tease of any imaginable outfit. It didn't even matter that he wasn't wearing the skirt. In his mind, he'd envisioned it, and it may have left some things feeling very hard to cope with. But the pants were almost worse. The way they hugged his hips, sliding down his legs. The top, oh, the top was what made Dave realize he was doomed. He couldn't stop staring at the V that framed Kurt's neck, how the white played off of his skin. Dave knew he had obviously had some feelings for Kurt, whether they be lust or even...No, that was not going to happen. He was straight, right? Dated some Cheerios, like he's expected to, be the boy his parents planned him to be. This was not on the plan.

The bullying goes farther now, not just to make him feel better about himself, but to suppress any notion that he could like Hummel. It shouldn't happen, it couldn't happen, it wouldn't happen. No way. As each day passed, Hummel continued to defy all of Dave's boundaries, wearing outfits that were outlandish, yet, they worked. So when Azimio started in on the Lady GaGa, he knew he would have to too. The high heels made it so that they were at eye level, a whole new threat to his brain. He could see his eyes, that seemed to changes from shades of blue and green. That made him have to amp up his bullying more.

"I'm proud to be different. It's the best thing about me."

Dave agrees to some level, but there's so much more. More of something he's not willing to think to even himself in the haven of his mind. But he's sure that subconsciously he's thinking about it. All the things that make Kurt. No one knew, but sometimes he would hide in the auditorium when they practiced, just to see why it was so great. One day, just to get away, he hid in hopes that even the Glee club wouldn't be there. But just his luck, Kurt showed up. He had no idea what the song was, but Kurt obviously was venting out his emotions. He was hurt, angry, frustrated. So many of the things he was feeling himself all the time. When the song ended, he felt like he had watched something too personal, too raw. So he let himself out, remembering every detail.

He thought the summer would help, take the edge off of what he was feeling for the boy who now was becoming more than someone to pick on or look at when no one thought he was. He had feelings, emotions. In Dave's head, he had dreams of what next year could be like. He could stop becoming a bully, apologize for what he'd done, try to be a friend- maybe something more. In his dreams, a place he couldn't control, he'd imagine what it was like if he could be with Kurt. Walking hand in hand down the hallway, no one questioning it. Going to his performances, always the first to rise and clap the loudest. To be Prom Kings. His fantasies he had when he slept were the only thing he couldn't control, he started to believe them just a little.

But then school started again. Reality was set back in place with the sounds of slushies and locker body slams. But the dreams stayed, and the more they happened, the more he would push Kurt into lockers in hopes that it would stop them. But then he would notice little things- the warm skin underneath soft fabric, the way Kurt's hair would go slightly messy as he pushed. Dave knew this wasn't stopping the dreams, only fueling them, but he couldn't stop.

So when he had pushed Kurt into the locker that day, he was surprised to hear Kurt yelling "Hey!" behind him. But he kept moving, best not to start something he knew would not end well.

"What is your problem? What are you so afraid of?"

'Myself', thinks Dave. This is probably as close to Kurt he's been since last year during the Lady GaGa mess. The summer has changed Kurt a bit- they're almost at eye level without the heels. So he has a direct line into Kurt's eyes- the anger and frustration lying there.

"Well guess what, Ham hock, you're not my type."

That's a hard hit. He barely hears the insult Kurt throws next, he's more caught up on the first part. Not this type? Everyone knew about Kurt's crush on Hudson, so he knew there was a lie in there. But hearing it didn't make him feel any better about it. A few of his hopes were crumbling right before him.

"Hit me, because it's not going to change who I am."

That's exactly what he's been doing for the past two years, hiding the feelings behind violence. It's tempting, to use this to get out of what he's really feeling. He could hit him, get suspended. But he's so close, he can actually feel some of his body heat, and the cologne he uses overpowers the smells of the locker room somehow. The smell is getting to him, bringing him in as his frustration continues to build at having him so close, and he can't touch him.

"You're just a scared little boy that can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are-!"

That's it, he can't take it anymore. Swooping in for that kiss has to be either the most stupid idea of his life, or the most brilliant. His hands on the sides of Kurt's face feel the warm, soft skin and the softness of his hair. His lips, softer than even his skin, has his body tingling with excitement as he pushes into the kiss with his frustration of his feelings. _Please see what I'm trying to say._

The look he gets as he pulls away is that of shock, horror. _So why is he leaning in again?_ He can't help it. Having finally done the thing he's wanted to do since sophomore year is exhilarating, and his lips must have some kind of drug on them, because he can't stop looking.

He's pushed away(in a way, he kind of knew that would happen, but it doesn't stop the hurt.) Kurt's face is so scared, shocked, repulsed. That shatters any of his hopes left, and ends up hitting the locker just to control how much he hates himself right now. Running away is the only option here. So he does.

'That,' Dave thinks to himself in a frustrated dash through the halls, 'was the most stupid idea of my life.'

Thoughts? Critiques? Criticism?


End file.
